Herbs & Rituals for Grieving Times

A brown leaf curls into itself and dangles precariously from the tip of a branch, ready to fall at any moment. Pinecones plummet from the lofty heights of an evergreen tree, sounding a hearty “thwack!” as they bounce on the gravel path before me. Autumn is here, and with it the medicine of death and letting go.

Death and loss are just as essential to the life cycle as birth and growth. When we lose a loved one, whether it be through death, a break-up, or moving away, a part of our identity is lost as well. This brings about grief — a particular kind of sadness that follows loss and is qualified by intense feelings of missing someone or something. The plant world cares for us in every way, and grief is no exception. There are many herbs and rituals used traditionally and historically to heal a broken heart that is grieving.

We are nature, and have evolved alongside our herbal allies for tens of thousands of years. Inviting healing plants into your grieving experience not only can lessen the pain, but can help us feel supported by the world at large in a time that can be overwhelming and lonely. Read on to learn about practices and herbs that can be there for you during difficult times.

The Importance of Grief Rituals

When my father passed away suddenly in 2013, I became acutely aware of my culture’s utter poverty of grief rituals. Beyond the initial few weeks and the memorial, there was nothing to express my family’s grief as we experienced it year after year. I felt we were little feathers being blown about in a storm, with nothing to collect us together and hold us. This is what ritual does for us. It provides a touchstone for the unspeakable, and comfort as it fills empty spaces in our lives.

Over the years I have created my own little rituals to honor my dad and keep his memory alive. If you have lost someone precious, you know that the grief does not “end”. It morphs, it changes, it becomes bearable with time. It spirals through your life, appearing unexpectedly yet understandably as you travel through life. The trick is to allow it to become something that is rooted in love and gratitude. Also, please never judge yourself when it is time to feel sad or miss the person, even if it has been years. It is perfectly normal and healthy.

When I discovered the wealth of Celtic tradition centered around grief and collective memory, it was so healing. If we look back far enough, we all have ancestral traditions for loss that we can bring back into our everyday lives. Here are just a few simple and small traditions that I find comforting.

The spirit plate

Celts are not singular in this one. Many cultures have rituals centered around feeding the dead. A spirit plate is a special plate of your loved ones’ favorite foods gathered onto a platter and offered to an altar made especially for them. It is offered during Samhain time, but can be done anytime of year if it feels right to you. It can be a wonderful way to mark your ancestor’s birthday, or a wedding anniversary.

A spirit plate can be made for multiple people. My partner and I like to gather up photos of our parents and grandparents who have passed, and put together a collection of little treats for them. Whiskey for dad, coffee beans for abuela, chocolate for mom, etc. If we have time we will bake something special and give them a portion. We leave it there for as long as is sensible, lighting candles together and speaking prayers of love to our family.

Incorporating this tradition brings normalcy and joy to your experience of loss. It touches a place deep inside one’s heart, and gives honor to the ones who loved us in life.

The empty chair

If you have lost someone you lived with, you likely have been haunted by the empty chair at the dinner table, or the sacred favorite recliner that now seems forlorn without its owner.

After a loved one died, food would still be served at their place on the table for the prescribed mourning time. After that, every Samhain the family could observe a “Dumb Supper”, in which a place was set at an empty chair, delicious enticing food was served, and the spirits of the ancestors were invited to the table. The meal was eaten in silence, and the intention was to provide space for the loved ones to be with the family once again, and share any messages they might have.

I love the idea of using ritual to fill the empty spaces left behind, and mark every year that your loved ones are not forgotten — in fact, they are welcome to the family table just as before.

keening from the heart

Keening is an Irish art form performed by women at the time of burial. A professional keener would be trained in poems and songs to express grief, and master a specific type of vocal expression that was raw, loud, and dramatic. Freeform wailing was often involved. The words of the songs spoke the language of grief, giving voice to the emotions and thoughts of those left behind. The act of keening was for the departed as well — to sing the grief was to guide the soul home, and give peace to the loved one’s transition out of this world by telling them how much they were loved and will be missed.

Many cultures have traditions of wailing or singing certain death songs at a funeral. While many of us may have not access to this as a community experience anymore, it is something we can do personally to give space to our grief.

Allowing yourself to hum, wail, and sing whatever needs to pour out of you can be profoundly healing. It is often easier to sing our deepest emotions than to speak them. Making a private ritual of this can be a wonderful tool in your belt for those times when our emotions feel overwhelming. Let them out! To hear a lovely, polished example of a keening song, click here. Yours will likely be a bit more messy, and that is perfectly alright! Your loved deserves to hear how much they are missed, and you will feel better for it.

Herbs that Support Us

Hawthorne
Said to be the portal to the dead, the Hawthorne tree is steeped in lore around the Otherworld and was used as protection as well as nourishment in ancient cultures.
When it comes to a grieving heart, hawthorn has gentle actions on the nervous system that lessen tension and uplift the mood. Numerous studies have shown Hawthorn to protect and nourish the heart, especially from stress related disease or damage. As a primary sensory organ, Hawthorn helps us regulate our rhythms and endocrine system by healing both the physical and emotional heart.
Hawthorn is best when used as an every day nourisher, and is a solid, dependable lifelong ally. Both the berries and the leaf & flower are used. Fresh or dry, the plant material can be steeped in a long nourishing herbal infusion (click here for directions), a quick tea, or made into an extract with either alcohol or vinegar.
I turn to Hawthorn on a regular basis for heart healing, and she never lets me down.
Rosemary
“Rosemary for Remembrance” is an oft-used quote from Shakespeare about our beloved Rosmarinus sativa - dew of the sea. This aspect of rosemary has many applications for grief. Often times when grieving, reluctance is felt to let go of our sadness out of fear of forgetting our loved one. Rosemary can be a potent talisman for embodying our desire to remember whomever has passed. A bundle of rosemary can be made with sentimental items related to the person, and hung in the home as a reminder of how special they were.
Rosemary can also help with complicated grief, where there may be residual anger or resentment that feels sticky and dark. A burning bundle made of garden rosemary can be used for general protection and ceremonies around releasing these stagnant emotions that impede our ability to enjoy the life we have before us.
Rosemary is also a mild stimulant that elicits joy and happiness. When we are ready to invite these feelings back into our lives, it can free us from the grips of grief-induced depression. Gentle yet effective, just the smell of Rosemary lifts our spirits and reminds of all the beauty left in our lives even in the midst of sorrow.
Grief often is a time of brain fog, clouded thinking, and numbness. Rosemary is an excellent circulatory tonic that focuses our mind and opens up the flow in our hearts. It is specific for clarity, memory improvement, and focus and can be an excellent ally when we must attend to the everyday movements of our lives with a clear mind and open heart.
The leaves and flowers of this plant are used, and the methods are positively endless. An excellent culinary spice, rosemary can be infused into oil or vinegar and drizzled over all manner of foods for increased flavor. Rosemary infused olive or jojoba oil are wonderful for the skin, and the infused vinegar or strong tea is a renowned hair rinse. A simple tea of rosemary is one of the best ways to experience the herb, and tinctures can be used in small doses (5-10 drops) for 2-3 weeks at a time. I also love Rosemary hydrosol as a body spray or to freshen up a room.
Marigold
The Mexican tradition of using Marigolds to honor the dead originates from the Aztec people. Marigold’s name in Nahual is Cempasúchil, which means twenty flowers. Twenty is significant to both the base counting system and the organization of the Aztec calendar, carrying deep significance as a guide for the order of the cosmos, including our individual lives. The scent of marigolds leads the dead back to their family homes to be loved and honored. Marigold is traditionally used to decorate Dia de los Muertos altars.
Medicinally, marigold is a bitter astringent used for soothing inflammation, calming indigestion, and heart healing. Infused oil of the flower gives strength to the heart, and a cup of marigold tea tones the whole digestive tract. It is also anti-microbial and can help wounds or ulcers repair themselves. It is a powerful plant to work with, and tea or infused oil of marigold can be used with respect to ease a grieving heart and reconnect with a loved on who has passed on.
Often confused with the Western herb Calendula (Calendula officinalis) due to the common name for calendula being “pot marigold”, these are two distinct plants with entirely different genera. However, they share many similar properties and energetics. Calendula can bloom on into the winter, and brings light into grey, dismal day. Calendula has been used for the grieving heart and its sunshiney disposition brings joy and light when it is most needed.
*Marigold is not appropriate for use during pregnancy. Calendula is ok.
motherwort
Known as the mother’s herb, motherwort restores frazzled, exhausted nervous systems and helps us navigate fear and rage. An herb of courage, motherwort is specific for the fearful, hypervigilant consitution prone to panic attacks. It can be a wonderful ally to bring big, big energy back home to the heart. Sometimes grief can bring about tantamount fear, especially if the person we loved also was a major support person in our lives. Motherwort brings the energy of the loving, courageous mother.
Grief can also be a time of anger, and motherwort also helps us be angry in a healthy, non-destructive way. It can calm a rage fit, and help us process the deep trauma from which our anger roots. Motherwort is a powerful energy, and it will change us if we allow it to. This is another wonderful herbal ally for complicated grief where we feel there is unspoken anger and seemingly nowhere to speak it. You can yell, scream, cry to motherwort, and she will not quail. In fact, she will help you let go of the past to you can invest in the future from a place of love and confidence.
Physically, motherwort has strong actions on the heart, nervous system, and female reproductive system. Motherwort is a cardio-protective herb, and can be used with palpitations and heart symptoms related to stress or despair. Mildly sedating, motherwort can be used in acute panic attacks or to fall asleep at night. In an acute moment, motherwort tincture can be taken by the dropperful every 5-10 minutes until the fear settles. It is important that motherwort tincture be made from the fresh flowering tops. Tea of motherwort is useful but quite bitter, so I usually recommend using it in a blend along with other more tasty herbs. It pairs wonderfully with Hawthorn, Rose, Chamomile, and Mint.
*Motherwort should only used in pregnancy during the last few weeks. Avoid completely in the 1st & 2nd trimester. Motherwort is not appropriate for heavy menstrual bleeders or cases of hemorrhage.
rose
It would be remiss of me to not include Rose in this list of herbal allies. Rose is the classic herbal remedy for the grieving heart, and helps us heal from the trauma of loss with grace and gratitude. Rose softens hard hearts, and is a wonderful ally for those who have shut down their emotions, cannot seem to cry, or express their grief with harshness. She provides a safe space to explore the tender places of our hearts, and gently helps us go into the painful corners we avoid so we can bring to light that which needs to be named, seen, and released in order to heal.
As with most grief allies, rose also acts on the physical heart. A wonderful anti-inflammatory, rose petals and hips have the ability to gently tonify and nourish the tissues of the heart while opening circulation. Rose is also wonderful topically for the skin, firming and toning the cells while providing hydration.
I like to put rose in just about everything, and find it is a wonderful synthesizer in formulas. It adds that gentle touch that brings everything together. I love to use rose petals as a hydrosol, glycerite, or tea. The rosehips also make an excellent tea ingredient, and making syrup with wildcrafted rosehips is one of my favorite fall traditions.
All hail queen rose, keeper of the sacred heart.

Moving Forward

Loss is inevitable — but it does not have to be qualified by suffering only. Incorporating herbs, rituals, and community support into your grieving process invites in new relationships as we rebuild our lives. Ignoring grief, minimizing it, or shaming it are remarkably destructive. It is a big passion of mine to encourage total acceptance of grief in our society, and find tools to help ourselves and others during the grieving times.

Below you can find some community resources for navigating grief. If you are in the throes of deep grief, consider seeking support in safe places, give yourself endless grace, and remember that it will get better with time, especially if we give it the space it needs in our lives.

Resources for Times of Grief

Grief & Loss Hotlines : Find confidential support from this list of hotlines offering immediate help when it all feels like too much. You are not alone!
You Are Never a Bother: A non-profit dedicated to providing emergency suicide prevention support as well as support for friends of folks who are struggling with their mental health. Especially focused on supporting teens and young adults.

*The following section contains affiliate links to my curated collection on Bookshop.org